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Catholic Church
: only slightly less great than Old Glory]] 200px|thumb|look closely The One Holy Universal and Apostolic Church of Rome (or the Catholic Church) is the worlds oldest sect of Christianty. History In the year zero, GOD, by the power of the Holy Spirit, was born of the Virgin Mary and became man. His public ministry lasted approximately thirty years in which he passed down many memorable conservative teachings such as “''blessed are they who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps''” and "I am the way, the truthiness, and the light.” He also showed his approval of the death penalty by not saying anything when the thief said he deserved to be put to death. Though Christ’s death and resurrection saved all humanity from eternal damnation, humanity was slow to catch on. It was not until 313 A.D., when the emperor Constantine became Catholic that the people of the Roman Empire finally started to feel bad that the Jews had killed Christ. Most joyfully converted to Catholicism, along with their new spiritual leader and divinely appointed ruler, and those that did not later became so upset that they threw themselves to the lions. Things went along perfectly for the next few hundred years until the 16th century when Martin Luther dared to question the infallible teachings of the Roman pontiff such as plenary indulgences, public executions for heretics and witches, and not being allowed to read the Bible. Needless to say, Luther was clinically insane and suffered from dyslexia, schizophrenia, and liberalism. He now burns in Hell. It is still unclear as to how Jesus could let this schism in the One True Faith happen. Most Catholics suspect that Satan had a hand in it. He also probably had something to do with Harry Potter, Ted Kennedy and Bill and Hillary Clinton. Political Stance The Catholic Church, guided by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, has come out in favor of the Republican Party. Holy Mother Church’s opposition to abortion, stem cell research, euthanasia, abortion, gay marriage, and abortion makes it clear a vote for George W. Bush is like a vote for Jesus. In fact, Catholics are required by canon law to vote only for Republican candidates or else face the threat of excommunication and spend all eternity burning in Hell along with Lutherans and bears. Interestingly, the Church has been silent on many of the issues important to the Democratic Party, such as the war, the death penalty, poverty, the environment, discrimination, genocide, global arms trade, human rights, immigration, jobs, and worker’s rights. It is clear that the Holy Spirit does not give a crap about these things. It is also known that Catholics tend to be very conservative, hating, and deem it fancy to cut Protestant balls and nail it to their Church. Catholicism Today Of the six billion people living in the world today, roughly 18% are Catholic. The other 82% percent are sodomites, feminazis, liberals, agnostics (which are just atheists without balls), Muslims, or people who live in Hollywood. Catholics today, like Stephen Colbert and Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly, are engaged in a constant battle to save America from de-deification by restoring the place of Christian holidays like Easter, Christmas, Halloween, and Jesus Day, which unfortunately exists only in Texas, upholding our Catholic values such as life and homophobia, and promoting the spiritual agenda of our divinely appointed leader, the blessed George W. Bush. For more information go to the Theology wiki here. Katolic 4 Life Once you join the gang the church you cant never leave, ever. Unless you are excommunicated, the paperwork is much shorter. "Pedophilia" "Crisis" The amount of pedophilia in the Catholic Church is no greater than the amount in any other organization (except the U.S. military, which has a little less), and is actully lower than most if not all other religions. The Liberal media only reports it more, while ignoring the rampant pedophilia in the Democrat Party, etc. In truth, all pedophile "priests" are supporters of the Satanically inspired Vatican II, and opposers of the reinstitution of the Latin Mass. (This is because it's very difficult to seduce 10 year old boys in Latin. They don't know what you're telling them to do.) Added to this the truth that NAMBLA has recruited heavily from the clergy of the Roman Catholic Church to staff their accounting offices (priests are good at dodging tax laws) and you have very few pedophiles remaining to do Mass. True Catholics Today, many people claim to be in full communion with the Catholic Church, but there have only been a handful of True Catholics throughout history. This includes people such as: Stephen Colbert Jesus Blessed Virgin Mary Peter Paul Augustine St. Sebastian Pope John Paul II Pope Benedict XVI Bill O’Reilly Mel Gibson Rick Santorum Antonin Scalia Sean Hannity Tom Daschle James Caviezel Arnold Schwarzeneger Father Guido Sarducci Cafeteria-Style True Catholics need to be wary of cafeteria-style Catholics who only adhere to some of the Church’s many Republican teachings: *John Kerry *Nancy Pelosi *St. Sebastian (removed from full communion due to priest "scandal") *St. Pedro Bear *Any Kennedy *Dorothy Day Music of the Catholic Church "I like big hats and I cannot lie" - MC Pope-alot "Thank heaven, for little boys" - The Cardinals "Let the Children Cum to Me" - Rock Hard Reverend "And Then He Touched Me" (often sung in children's choirs) Effects of Ice Cream on Catholics There is a fair warning for newcomers to the religion once you become a Catholic. Your relationship with ice cream will change forever. We have found out that Catholics consuming ice cream experience unholy side effects, but it only affects three out of ten Catholics (four if you count the lactose intolerant but we wont. The Church wont tolerate bigots). We suspect that ice cream is actually Satan's creamy candy and that is trying to devour your soul. Consume ice cream at your own risk, because they are so delicious and the Church would stir a storm of controversy if they dare to ban this sweet sweet Satanic cream... mmm... ice cream... Side effects include: *It causes Nuns to Immaculate Conceived ice cream babies. Or maybe she is just fat. *It turns straight Priests gay. Or straight Priests turned into child molesters by giving away ice cream to children. *The idolatry and worship of false gods. Sacraments of the church * Doggie Communion (Canada only) External Tubes * Bishop Announces Plenary Indulgences * Love the Sin, not the sinner *New Catholic Law: Patients to suffer more before death to show our devotion to Gawd *Vatican defrocks crazy Bishop *Welfare Queens want to steal The Church's sekret vault!!! *Catholic Church to Sanctify The Blues Brothers: Patron Saints of Music and Road Trips *Undercover Catholic Agent discovered. Watching The Gay for Us so we wont have to